Astagfurallah wanna thubu illah...
Astagfurallah. Astagfurallah. Astagfurallah.
So for all of you overly successfull people of high moral character who haven't experienced the pangs of failure...thank me...because I hogged all the failure so that you couldn't get any of it.
Yes, I Wafa Unus, have failed.
Ha, I say that as though its the first time. Unfortunatly it's not, but it is different than other times.
I can't even begin to express my disappointment...in myself of course.
So here I am, trying to make it in this crazy college setting. I remember leaving ALIM Summer 2005 (holla) vowing that I would never change, that I would never compromise my character.
I've changed.
I just hope that I haven't yet completely mutulated what I once prided myself on as upright and steadfast character.
I suppose this is where I stumbled...
The scary thing, is that I can't seem to get my hands out in front of me fast enough to catch my impending fall...
It was almost surreal. I was uncomfortable in my surroundings but I made no effort to leave. I was uncomfortable with my situation but for some reason I was searching for ease.
I want to be more than I am...yet I sink quicker into that which I promised I would never be...
It's rough and I'm weak.
It's what I don't want that is my biggest test.
It's what I never anticipate that pushes me further.
The things I never suspected would phase me have begun to do so.
I've failed myself before, just never like this.
I spent hours upon hours attempting to source of these feelings.
My Iman.
It's suffering the blows of this material world.
It's been torn open and I find myself holding the knife.
I'm hurt and my pain is my own doing.
Alas, my pain is my own doing.
And my recovery, I seek through obedience to Allah.
I was told to remove some of my former restraints...to embrace the idea of being laid back.
I've kid myself. And for that I've truly wounded myself.
Life is a passing moment.
I will, indeed, make it a moment of obedience.
For when I allow myself to sink into the comforts of this world and undue the ties that once bounded me...I see the roots of my Imam slowly being pulled above the dirt...
I have yet to learn moderation. I have yet to attain balance.
I seek refuge in Allah. I seek His forgiveness. I seek His guidance.
Ya Allah give me the strength to leave that which is wrong and the perserverance to do that which is right. Ya Allah, please give me the wisdom to know the difference.
Ya Allah, please give me the wisdom to know the difference.
For those I have offended, those I have disappointed, those who I have in anyway caused any hurt towards. Forgive me.
May Allah forgive me.
Oh Allah, show me a balance. Allow me moderation. Purify my intentions.
My love for You exceeds all that is worldy and not a single laugh, or smile, or parcel of enjoyment is of any consequence if it is not pleasing to you.
Ya Allah, bestow upon me the strength to give up habits and circumstances I have recently become accustom to and restore me my faith. Oh Allah, restore me my faith.
So for all of you overly successfull people of high moral character who haven't experienced the pangs of failure...thank me...because I hogged all the failure so that you couldn't get any of it.
Yes, I Wafa Unus, have failed.
Ha, I say that as though its the first time. Unfortunatly it's not, but it is different than other times.
I can't even begin to express my disappointment...in myself of course.
So here I am, trying to make it in this crazy college setting. I remember leaving ALIM Summer 2005 (holla) vowing that I would never change, that I would never compromise my character.
I've changed.
I just hope that I haven't yet completely mutulated what I once prided myself on as upright and steadfast character.
I suppose this is where I stumbled...
The scary thing, is that I can't seem to get my hands out in front of me fast enough to catch my impending fall...
It was almost surreal. I was uncomfortable in my surroundings but I made no effort to leave. I was uncomfortable with my situation but for some reason I was searching for ease.
I want to be more than I am...yet I sink quicker into that which I promised I would never be...
It's rough and I'm weak.
It's what I don't want that is my biggest test.
It's what I never anticipate that pushes me further.
The things I never suspected would phase me have begun to do so.
I've failed myself before, just never like this.
I spent hours upon hours attempting to source of these feelings.
My Iman.
It's suffering the blows of this material world.
It's been torn open and I find myself holding the knife.
I'm hurt and my pain is my own doing.
Alas, my pain is my own doing.
And my recovery, I seek through obedience to Allah.
I was told to remove some of my former restraints...to embrace the idea of being laid back.
I've kid myself. And for that I've truly wounded myself.
Life is a passing moment.
I will, indeed, make it a moment of obedience.
For when I allow myself to sink into the comforts of this world and undue the ties that once bounded me...I see the roots of my Imam slowly being pulled above the dirt...
I have yet to learn moderation. I have yet to attain balance.
I seek refuge in Allah. I seek His forgiveness. I seek His guidance.
Ya Allah give me the strength to leave that which is wrong and the perserverance to do that which is right. Ya Allah, please give me the wisdom to know the difference.
Ya Allah, please give me the wisdom to know the difference.
For those I have offended, those I have disappointed, those who I have in anyway caused any hurt towards. Forgive me.
May Allah forgive me.
Oh Allah, show me a balance. Allow me moderation. Purify my intentions.
My love for You exceeds all that is worldy and not a single laugh, or smile, or parcel of enjoyment is of any consequence if it is not pleasing to you.
Ya Allah, bestow upon me the strength to give up habits and circumstances I have recently become accustom to and restore me my faith. Oh Allah, restore me my faith.
posted by Wafa at 11:36 PM
7 comments
